Strolling along to work the other day, I reflected on how awesome the final four candidates must be to all make it into the Apprentice Final. This thought immediately gave pause; exactly how had any of them definitively proven they were fantastic? They hadn't! Good God. King Alan put them all through because he had nothing to judge on. They're all shite! A good chunk of them had just coasted at the back, just doing enough to see them through, then waved the stand-outs off as they departed. The swines!
King Alan's final task was to invent a new smell. He divided his four super candidates by two and came up two super teams (that's super maths that is): Alex and Helene; Lee and Claire. As a Claire fan I thought this pairing had sunk her chances. How's that for business acumen? That is why I own no businesses, and make no money. This smell was to be for men and cost £29.99. This is key. I'd jot that one down. Next on the business agenda came a wholly humiliating team picking scene. Returning firees were huddled together and each team did a pick. If I was 'best salesperson in the whole world ever' Icy Jenny, I'd have cried. Picked after Kevin. Sniff, sniff.
Anyway, on with the task. Helene and Alex argued over the name of their smell. A typical argument, as depicted, would have Alex making loads of suggestions and Helene dropping negative on the lot. Any suggestions her end? Not a chance. Does this constitute an argument? It's more like a negativity machine gun.
A quick aside on Helene: I feel quite bad for constantly referring to her as a cave dwelling troll face. When she smiles, her face actually lights up! It's an amazing thing. All the downward slopes of her face even out. Why doesn't she smile constantly? From Gulag body shoveller to catalogue vacant in one deft move.
Shrink faced liability Kevin is quite the albatross. Following Alex round, secretly hoping if he does enough he may still be in with a chance at the top job. Meeting with design experts, he filled the air with guff about Rubik's Cubes and stress balls. Alex cowered and tried to remain neutral lest they like his mouth fart. Sensing they're dealing with two vegetables, the design team wrestle the think away from them and invent a completely impractical, but aesthetically impressive, bottle. It's one big shampoo dispenser looking bottle with a snug fitting dispenser pull-out, you know, for your man bag. Thanks design team! This avant garde bottle seemed like the death knell for gobby Claire. Seemed. I'm stressing SEEMED. Helene managed to pick a fragrance that smells exactly like her favourite perfume, and chocolate. Judging by her reaction in the boardroom grilling, she did this unconsciously. "Oh God! I've never had an original thought or notion in my whole life!" she probably briefly considered.
Over at Team Claire /Lee, Lee remembers Casino Royale came out last year and that he thought he liked it. Roulette The Smell is born! Whether or not it stinks of stale-ale'd felt is undisclosed. Cue a 70s Hai Karate alike advert set-up in which two models grope against a bleeding orange background. Ugly! Lee talks up some porn direction and the models fumble. Claire does something else offscreen.
The lack of any real meat for the Lee / Claire coalition seems to confirm my worst fears: grotty no face Alex has pissed it.
Presentation time! Lee is terrified. So terrified he has a nosebleed. Despite a chronically sing-song opening line, he does okay. Claire fields some probing questions on whether or not her smell will promote gambling and cause debt / misery. Alex and Helene garner gushing praise from some chap with sunglasses on. Sir King Alan doesn't look particularly impressed.
Boardroom! King Alan swoops on Helene and Alex. Sitting at his table was a gentleman from Givenchy. Mr Givenchy reckons the fancy bottle will cost three or four times the usual amount to manufacture! Good lord! You done fucked with profit margin now. King Alan waves them off. Shock of shocks! It's just Claire and Lee.
After a couple of gushes from the firees. It's down to King Alan business: shout at me and bully me into liking you! Claire picks up a shout pace and drones a few empty business speak plaudits at him. No dice! Lee offers a lucid, fact based account of why he's the superior candidate. He's never been in the firing line don't you know?
Lee takes it.
I am genuinely shocked. I had him placed third after Alex and Claire. Again, I would like to stress this is why I own nothing.
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