The Summer Films Came Blowing In...

As promised, here's a snidey little rundown on the Summer Blockbusters. Many have been omitted for issues of being not-interesting.

Iron Man 1

Already seen this, that's how late this piece is. No doubt I'll write something soon. No matter how many films come out this summer, I can't see Iron Man being trumped for sequel baiting. There are allusions to future threats, side-kick team-ups (or even a spin-off), a separate film starring a cameoing Sam Jackson, and an all Marvel imprint battle royale. Phew! Marvel really know how to flirt. After years of being dicked around in development hell they've opted out and are self-financing (with a Paramount distribution deal). Good for them. Who needs Hollywood script hacks diluting half century old characters, because Poppa Studio can't get an angle on them ("I'm worried because it's not exactly like something that made money last week!"). Who knows? Ten years down the line we could have two or three solo Marvel flicks a year, with a huge cross-over event for the summer. We'll be burnt out fans the world over as heroes routinely die and return dressed in black with a sports metal cob-on. Hooray! We might even get a decent Punisher film out of this. Incredible Hulk's going to have to work hard to out theoretical sequel this.

Indiana Jones 4

Crystal Skull! Looks like your classic grey alien head on the poster doesn't it? Cosmic phenomena in an occult series seems a bit iffy. We should be well set-up for this, and Mike Mignola pulls it off routinely (and with considerable panache) in his Hellboy series, but still I am troubled. Either way it looks like Mr Lucas is further plundering 70s mythicism tropes for financial gain. Good for you George! Harrison Ford looks suitably stumpy and cranky, and he tells off Ray Winstone in the trailer! If you've any sense you're wishing pixie hard for an 18 certificate so Big Ray can go Nil By Mouth on the dastardly evil-empire threat - this time portrayed by the Soviets and Cate Blanchett. I have to admit, with this new sci-fi leaning I was hoping for some gone-to-ground Nazis operating out of Argentina with techno-cosmic super weapons. Oh well. Transformers Twat Shia LeBeouf is along for the ride, and looks to be doing a Dad-disappointing impression of a young Marlon Brando. It's pretty cool to see Indy concerned with an explicitly American (or Mesoamerican if you want to get right, or even faked rather recently by European master forger if you want to get current opinion extra-super-right) artifact for a change, the continent is long accused of having no history when it patently has loads, just none involving the current landlords.

Doomsday 1

Neil Marshall's latest appears to be a loving tribute to Mad Max 2 post-apocalyptia and Escape From New York suicide missions. Starring former Lara-Croft-for-trade-shows, and Ali G alumni Rhona Mitra, it would be very easy to get snotty about the Scotland set Doomsday. The trailers have been pretty uninspiring so far, looking more like an 80s Italian schlock flick crossed with Channel 5's Kiwi schedule-filler kids programme: The Tribe. Doomsday sank without a trace at the US box-office in March, a fact that means basically nothing. I like Mr Marshall though, his last film The Descent (when viewed with the UK / Unrated ending) was a tense, claustrophobic nasty. He has repeatedly demonstrated a knack for creeping, choking tension and a propensity to opt for a practical effect wherever possible - reason enough to have faith. How many decent horror films have been stopped dead the second they unveil a shiny CG shitpiece? Loads! Anyway, if this love-letter to John Carpenter turns out a bit wobbly, I'm sure he'll bounce right back. Hopefully with Conan. I'd love another decent Conan film. I deserve it.

Batman 6 (or 7 if you include Adam West's efforts)

In an environment primarily concerned with getting people breathing heavy for sequels, (Batman) The Dark Knight is a bit of an anomaly. The Dark Knight looks quite happy to tear everything apart and leave nothing for the money Jackals. Director Christopher Nolan is well quoted as saying he took part in the sequel mainly because he didn't want anyone else ruining his Joker tease at the end of Begins (from Frank Miller's Batman: Year One, with a touch more sizzle), not to mention the passing of an above-the-title actor and the disturbed city-in-meltdown narrative direction. Gadzooks! You ain't coming out of this one cheery. The Dark Knight looks positively apocalyptic - the latest trailer hinting at multiple main character deaths / mutilations. There's also the tease that the climax will be a three-way broken-man clash. Everybody loses! According to free-roaming Internet plot quotes Christian Bale's Bruce Wayne wants out too - in a move similar to 1993's animated movie (masterpiece) Batman: Mask of the Phantasm, Wayne is beginning to mourn the life he never had, and is pinning his happiness hopes on getting a relationship going with his (currently taken) childhood sweetheart. If Nolan et al can wring even even half Phantasm's heroic misery out, we're on to a fucking winner. The real life death of Heath Ledger, who plays agitator No.1: The Joker (hopefully with not even a hint of backstory implied), hangs heavy over this sequel. It's a role that he quite apparently put everything he had into. The evidence is mounting, the trailer footage and that IMAX six minute flash point to an outstanding portrait of super-psychosis. Mr Ledger's Joker is an uber Droog. Excitable ghouls are already predicting an Oscar. There's word that test-screenings are finding his performance deeply uncomfortable / disturbing. Good. Can't wait!

A few more to follow.

Lots Of Films Come Out When It's Sunny!

Summer Blockbuster Season is here! It might well be pissing down all day everyday, but, by God, as far as Tinsel Town is concerned it's Summer Summer Summer! Summer Blockbuster Season arrives promptly every year in May (Spring). A halcyon four months where there's a BIG and EXPENSIVE film out every(ish) weekend to sate your explosive needs. These mega-films mostly star STARS in a leading role capacity. It's an all-star battle to the death! With the whiff of Oscars firmly behind everyone, it's high time for a deluge of brain-dead anti-film laser targeted directly at the bulging pockets of thrifty teenagers, who traditionally gobble up this shite like toblerones.

With art left to the Winter months (Oscar voters have the memory of toilets), Summer is for making super duper amounts of money. Balls it up and everyone gets fired. Careers are ruined! It's a billion dollar game of Russian Roulette. Scary! So scary in fact, that there's only really three or four types of Summer film: Big brawny action films are your lead. They gobble up money like pigs. Dependable, but gross national debt expensive, fuck them up and miss your audience and it's curtains. Score a hit and it's sequels till the end of time. Brawn is usually flanked by big soppy love narratives with comedic overtones. Love for the girls, grown men eating shit for the boys. Everybody wins! Lastly there's family films, these are all CG animated nowadays, usually involving something that can't think having an adventure - a fish or a door or something. Everyone's making one these days. Rather than follow Pixar's example of adventure narratives with heart and soul, everyone's hitched their wagon to Dreamworks' jam-as-many-pop-culture-references-in-as-you-can mold. These film are instantly out of date the second they play. I hate them, and hope you do too.

Next time I will tell you about the super Summer blockbusters I am looking forward to. Exciting!