Apprentice 5: Lost in New York

"Do you want to see my balls?" screamed Kimberly. "I will show you all of my balls!"

Week 4 in Apprentice Land. King Alan's had himself a think. People don't 'alf like to smell nice. How about the contestants invent themselves a soap? Noorul's team wandered off to make a chunk of honey-shit. It looked very much like a cheapy supermarket ice lolly that heat and wasps had been at. Syrupy orange was leaking everywhere. Yuk! "It'll harden up after the first wash!" they bleated at prospective buyers. Amazingly, people believed them. Behind scenes, beanpole Complain-Man Philip was doing a common sense panic. Interest sink Noorul was having trouble making decisions. That make Philip get head-mad! Kimberly wasn't impressed. Balls unimpressed actually. I felt sorry for the cowering design-chap caught in the crossfire. He didn't want to see anyone's balls.

Paula's team cooked themselves up a genuinely impressive product, surely an Apprentice first? Their jade soap lump had a touch of Victorian decadence to it, it looked like the sort of thing a Parisian drunk would rough his arty armpits with. This suddy-sot look was topped off with an oversized Alice in Wonderland bow and label. It looked like something you wouldn't be ashamed to buy. Too bad Paula and Yasmina got their essential oils to cock. A point King Alan's right hand, Nick The Lurk, savoured. He broke the news to Team Paula seconds before they were whisked off to trade. They'd only gone and dumped a barrel of Goldy McPlatinum's Very Best Stink Oil for Poshos into the mix. Zoot alores! "I'll leave it with you." sniggered Nick. The cad!

Who was going to lose? Would it be honest mistake Paula? Other than this admittedly grave slight, Paula conducted her lead tenure with cool can-do charm. Surely nice-guy justice can exist in this Big Stink snake-pit? Or would it be Noorul? A man so overwhelmingly inept the Apprentice production staff all but keyed up silent film prat-fall piano larking everytime he summoned up the resolve the speak. What do you think! Of course Paula went! Fuck all that good product shite, she made a loss. Take a loss to King Alan, and you might as well hand him a head-pound half-brick too. Toss yourself in the pig-pen while you're at it. Bacon needs its eats.