Thursday, 2 April 2009
Apprentice 5: Back in the Habit
Week 2 and it's already difficult to foresee a line that could possibly top James McQuillan's exasperated groan about being stuck looking at King Alan's ugly mug when the girls are off fannying about with horses. I'm paraphrasing very little here. The Boys bungled the task. A loss was made. A loss. Not even a little bit of profit. King Alan was seething. Seething! McQuillan was back in the boardroom along with PE teacher narrow miss Rocky Andrews, and Whatever Happened to the Inbetweeners? reject Howard Ebison. McQuillan argued up and down the boardroom tense-off, his tactic one of carpet bomb boredom. He miscalculated though, everything he said was, in fact, awesome.
These to be read in the awkwardly strained quote voice of a high-flying barrister reading garbled colloquialisms in court:
"Im sorry. It's just, more the hurt that this has caused me."
"I'm telling it how it is. That's what I'm doing."
"If, if a company's most valuable assets are its employees, then, then, you know, that I'm your kind of prized possession."
"I'm passionate about this."
"I think you should fire the pair of them."
His team seemed to have him pegged as a bit of an easy target, although carefully chosen reaction shots painted the beginning of another King Alan / Big Gob Braggart romance. King Alan fackin' loves 'em. Syed Ahmed. Tre Azam. Get yourself an accent, a little bit of charm, and some unflappable "I'm great" swagger, and you can expect to place reasonable. Not win though. That's for the well spoken lads.
Rocky ended up going. Unkind attention was drawn to the premature end of his promising footballing career. King Alan reminded him of the most awful moment of his life whilst in the midst of another contender. Thanks King Alan! As Miss Disaster pointed out, Adrian Chiles rubbed his fucking nose in it over on BBC2 follow-up show You're Fired! by handing him a signed shirt from his former peers. These are people he probably still has acquaintance contact with, let's not forget. How would you feel getting a signed shirt of your friends? It's a blow isn't it? He's an autograph hunter now though. Another outsider gazing in. Move along.
More You're Fired!: Wasn't Shappi Khorsandi hilarious? Quick as whips. Which are quick! Her satellite line to seconds-delay brayer Greg Wallace had me rolling.