Summer Blockbuster Season is here! It might well be pissing down all day everyday, but, by God, as far as Tinsel Town is concerned it's Summer Summer Summer! Summer Blockbuster Season arrives promptly every year in May (Spring). A halcyon four months where there's a BIG and EXPENSIVE film out every(ish) weekend to sate your explosive needs. These mega-films mostly star STARS in a leading role capacity. It's an all-star battle to the death! With the whiff of Oscars firmly behind everyone, it's high time for a deluge of brain-dead anti-film laser targeted directly at the bulging pockets of thrifty teenagers, who traditionally gobble up this shite like toblerones.
With art left to the Winter months (Oscar voters have the memory of toilets), Summer is for making super duper amounts of money. Balls it up and everyone gets fired. Careers are ruined! It's a billion dollar game of Russian Roulette. Scary! So scary in fact, that there's only really three or four types of Summer film: Big brawny action films are your lead. They gobble up money like pigs. Dependable, but gross national debt expensive, fuck them up and miss your audience and it's curtains. Score a hit and it's sequels till the end of time. Brawn is usually flanked by big soppy love narratives with comedic overtones. Love for the girls, grown men eating shit for the boys. Everybody wins! Lastly there's family films, these are all CG animated nowadays, usually involving something that can't think having an adventure - a fish or a door or something. Everyone's making one these days. Rather than follow Pixar's example of adventure narratives with heart and soul, everyone's hitched their wagon to Dreamworks' jam-as-many-pop-culture-references-in-as-you-can mold. These film are instantly out of date the second they play. I hate them, and hope you do too.
Next time I will tell you about the super Summer blockbusters I am looking forward to. Exciting!
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