Willing myself to sleep last night, I was hindered by a nagging little idea that just wouldn't go away. It is awful when that happens. You can lie there and peel it apart whilst remaining comfortable (but not asleep), or you can hideously but momentarily inconvenience yourself by getting up and scribbling it down in the hope it isn't a load of old shit and might have a relevance come morn'. I did the latter, the issue of relevance is for you to decide.
Master System After Burner is unplayable bollocks. It is. I'm sorry. I didn't mean it. It is. It's supremely pretty and so devoid of landscape ambition that it's lent a stark, waterworld wasteland vibe, but you die for no reason all the time. All the time. So! In a feat of some-decades-too-late anti-foresight I give you a handful of ways to make it super loads better:
1. Infinite Lives - but it breaks the game yet further you might moan! Quite right, but I'm going somewhere with this. Have faith. Infinite Lives for the player, so there is no chance they won't get through this game to the (alleged, but unseen by me) Big Flying Fortress Last Boss.
2. Have a United States Navy expenditure counter - the crux of my idea really. If you're going to find anything about this fun or amusing, it'll be happening now. Everytime you fire off a round from your M61 Vulcan 20mm Gatling Gun, or launch an AIM-9 Sidewinder missile your Navy expenditure account will be credited. It'll be quite big and in the top right hand corner of the screen. F-14 fuel costs money, so it'll be constantly ticking up, nevermind when you actually do something fun like fire back. I can't seem to find a unit cost for Vulcan bullets (or rounds or whatever), but let's say around $20 each. That sounds vaguely plausible. Feel free to correct me. They'll be going all the time. All day. All infinite. A Marine Corps fact file website I just got off google reckons a Sidewinder costs about $83, 000. $83,000 everytime you fire at an enemy MIG. It better hit for that! Lets say you've got infinite of those and carte blanche to use 'em to end the Flying Fortress Menace. How are you meant to succeed without them?! The counters wheezing.
Deaths would total up too, wiki reckons an F-14 Tomcat will set you back around $38 million. So $38 million a pop every single time you die. With infinite lives and a complete lack of survival mechanic, that'll add up.
Just to add to the mounting stress, ally pilots will fly directly into your firing line every so often for no reason what-so-ever. You'll defo kill them dead too. So that's coin for the plane and a nice settlement for the family back home. REPARATIONS! might flash up on screen in big yellow hideous letters. Do it often enough and there might even be a Bonus Stage were you get to bomb the families house before they can put a claim in. Take that bereaved family!
3. Back Home Window Screen - This counter system does not end there. It's too dry and not funny so far. So we'll have a little window in the bottom right hand of the HUD. The window will be a picture into the lives of the average US citizen whilst Navy expenditure totals up. They'll start off all super Patriotic and happy, maybe shouting little speech bubble slogans and laughing everytime you crush a foreign fighter pilot. "Hooray!" they'll shout. It'll be a little family - Mum (or Mom), Dad, and two kids. They might even have a Dog. They'll have a nice big house too, with a flag. It'll be Sega sunny for sure. That's how it'll start. Then you'll fire off (far) too many rockets and it'll start look a bit shitty for Pop US.
The little window screen will display a short sequence of congress raising taxes to pay for your gallantly homicidal efforts. Immediate effect on our little window family? The youngest kid can't go to college. Too expensive I'll wager. The shortest figure will begin crying. It's a little girl. She won't stop.
Oh no! You died loads because you're rubbish! Congress will freeze wage increases. The little man is a spendthrift, he was counting on a raise to bail him out on the second mortgage he took out to pay off his mounting gambling debts. His wife is now shouting at him. They've lost the house and have now moved to crime alley! It's dangerous and crack-housey!
This sort of business will continue everytime your constant ballsing up reaches a significant monetary amount. Eventually the dog will run away, the son will be drafted into a pointless street gang and killed, the little girl will continue to cry. Mum and Dad'll split up, so wifey will depart. And so on, and so forth. By the time you've killed the Flying Fortress Final Boss, the Dad'll be smacked up living in a bin. But! You'll have saved the world. Good work soldier!
Your ending will therefore be based on whether or not you were total shit all the way through. If you hopped straight up to the corner and cheated your way through (good call), it's parades and peaches. Hooray! Your high-school sweetheart will put out for sure! But! If you attempted to play the game as was intended it's home to countless slums, desolation and baby-eating. Nice work dick-face!
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