Savage Sword

A recent brush with Jason Momoa's frown-faced, dog-hump masterclass in HBO's Game of Thrones had me reconsidering the pretty boy snides I'd thrown his way. All brawn and eye make-up in Thrones, Momoa is pregnant with barbaric possibility. Literally every time he's on screen, I'm waiting for him to pull someone's arm out their socket. It's definitely going to happen. Someone's bound to piss him off eventually. An underling will say the wrong thing, then POW! - one arm down. Then, as if to compliment my bubbling interest level, this red band trail for the Conan the Barbarian remake hits, shooting 3D CG blood all over the audience. While this doesn't really look set to dethrone Milius's ponderous, zen anarchy parable, there's enough sneering savagery here to banish all memory of those shitty smoke teasers.

BARBARIAN 3D

Conan the Barbarian 3D gets an unfathomable anti-action teaser trail, backed by some brawny Viking-Man percussion, and the now standard Inception prowl sound. Don't bother showing us any of the film! We like wasting our time looking at a minute and change of swirling smoke patterns! As a statement of purpose, it's nice that the filmmakers are confident enough to sell on an idea of epic, but Disaster Year can't help but feel that just ten seconds of the new Cimmerian expertly demolishing an opponent would be preferable. At least that would've helped allay the very real fear that this mascaraed up good-looker ain't fit to starch Schwarzenegger's jockstrap. Just saying!