Thursday, 5 June 2008

You're Fucked! Oh The Ennui!

Goodbye Lucinda (played by Linda Hamilton)! Like some batty butterfly aunt, she drifted into our lives and gave them colour. Now she's gone. S'not fair. She was a dead capable team leader and everything! Oh well.

What happened last night then?! Well! It's Week 11: The Interview Round. King Alan decides to rope in four lieutenant goons to put the shits up the contestants. Zoot alores!

Goon Roll-Call!

Paul Kelmsley! A stubble faced cave-man property tycoon. Open shirt! No tie. Paul is a strength of character torture specialist. Watch as he subtly undermines the contestants confidence by luring them into comedy traps / making them fall in love with him. A bewitching Ogre. Curse his eyes!

Bordan Tkachuck! This wiry little stickler heads up Viglen Computers. Technological backhand chop! This grey fox will be your facts undoing! Don't lie on your CV! He has VIP access to the Internet!

Troubleshooting shitkicker Claude Littner! This handsome mason oiler will kosh your friggen head in if you make even the slightest spelling error. "That's not how you spell 'tomorrow' you fucking dog tongued CUNT!" Make sure you spell-check contestants.

Token fe-male Karren Brady had pretty hair success at age twenty-three. That's well younger than you, YOU FUCKING LOSER. Pull your socks up. Fucks sake! Karen will flirt will Alex and be NICE TO THE GIRLS.

Each of the remaining candidates was grilled and grubbed by this heartless cabal of backlit undoing-bots. How did they? Did they triumph mightily with debonair ease? Or did they struggle to string syllables together in a dry-mouthed panic?

Yet Another Roll Call! Plus! My actual findings! Imagine everything from this point on being shouted at you by a Green Power Ranger.


Alex! This pursed lips schmoozer got into a scarlet blush harrumph with Brady. "Have you found being dead fit a problem?" he was sort-of asked. This made his head go angry. Alex revealed himself to be a man of many talents: he's fluent in English and only twenty four years old. The man's a snowflake. The later point was repeated like an alcoholic's abstinence mantra throughout; hopefully to curry some cute points credibility. Thankfully, everyone shot him down instead. Karren Brady was managing the world when she was six, Alex you dick. Alex is also super dynamic and agile. Get him working in a circus then. He can tame the Lions. Don't train him! Just let them loose on him. He'll clean up I'm sure.

Alex is a right shit: Doll-head actually had the sheer backstabbing gaul to actually bring up Lucinda's briefly vocalised job doubts. I was stunned. There's forced opponent cannibalism, then there's soul selling shit-eating with a smile. "but I want the job!" he tantrumed.

Winner Worry: Alex impressed Bordan for working on a commission only basis - sorts the men from the boys apparently. Isn't height or something a better indicator? Facial hair? Kind of an oblique sifting method. Maybe that's why I'm not in big business. Alex's emergent young malleability is a proven win-clincher. Check out the grinning goon last series. Brady was impressed also, but Cave-Paul weighed in that he was a bit shite and Junior. Ha! Didn't expect your age byline to feature so heavily it your criticism did you Alex? Get that lippy off too sir. You look like a whores-man.

Claire fell in love. Paul Kelmsley's raw unshaven manliness swept her right off her fucking feet. She was all a flutter. A slow-mo recap on the supplement show revealed flustered dithering and a winky you-did-great-kid. Claire assured the other contestants that sexual assault was definitely on her mind. Claire was in her element, banging on about great she is blah blah blah. I'd like to think King Alan looked on wistfully via CCTV, in his stratosphere scraping tower-room. Gab-slams aside, concern was expressed over her Daily Mail revealed club rep past. Shocking! Bordan weighed in with a Birdysong wise-crack that cast him in a smug chub-hating light. Misjudged! Unimpressive! Still, Claude dug her, describing her as a kind of all-business shock trooper. Brady even stated an intention of employing Claire herself.

Lee's CV was shot through with spelling mistakes. Not to mention hand-wringingly inept diatribes about being 'recognisuseded for achevmunts' or something. Jesus wept Lee. Spell check! You're only posting this to the BBC and ALAN FUCKING SUGAR. Lee's disaster talk didn't end there; Bordan's only gone and actually contacted his university! Lee quivered. You weren't there for two years were you Lee? It was more like a couple of months wasn't it? Lee fans the country over tumble out of their chairs. Their champion is a liar! And what's even worse is he's been caught! The humanity. Fortunately though, King Alan's a street-schooled cockney wide-boy. "Fahk all that book learning, his uni lie shows moxy! He bhladdy wants it!" Al probably thought. CV-gate even got spun into a kind of inferiority complex sob-story. Lee's bullet-proof. The thirsty dog lives to blather on spit-less another day!

Helene boxed from room-to-room doing her best impression of sweary plain-speak. Unbelievably everyone was impressed. In a last minute worry-push, her bleak childhood was raised as proof of qualification. Remember when invisible Michelle from a few series back had a similar "she's actually had it dead rough!" push? Could Helene be working her grubby punish hands round King Alan's neck? Is she the dead eyed Apprentice?

And the loser:

Poor Lucinda. Turns out efficiently leading teams to victory doesn't mean shit. Nope! Being dumped into unsuitable positions and not excelling is your real apprentice barometer. Who cares if you objected several times, clearly citing the exact reasons why you're unsuitable, before actually doing not that bad? No-one that's who. Claude talks her up with gushing platitudes, before doing a comedy rug-pull and actually stating he thinks she's barmy and would drive everyone potty. The tyke! Claude and Paul then have a comedy argument about the extreme shortness of time before King Alan tore his own head off in frustration with her; Claude wins with: "Less than that!" Not just a pretty face that Claude. King Alan actually jumps to her defence: these grasping little backstabber have actually complimented her on leadership. It's like peace in the middle-east! No goon's impressed. She's out for herself. Crucially, she earns loads of money anyway, so a firing at this stage is more like a mercy killing than a bludgeoning horror show.

"Lucinda, you're too bhladdy zany! You're fired!"

I weep.


anna said...

So, how old IS Alex? 26 or something?

Reds said...


He's defo twenty-SOMETHING.