We're a couple of days away from E3, the video game industry's annual dick waving contest. Both Microsoft and Sony have new consoles to pimp, so this year's expo stands to be the most exciting in recent memory. Added spice has come in the form of Microsoft's recent and disastrous Xbox One reveal, which previewed a system apparently designed to milk as many pennies as it can from consumers, whilst offering as little re-sale value as possible. The Xbone's DRM debacle has cast an anti-consumer shadow over both forthcoming systems. Are Sony set to turn heel too?
Here are 15 of 20XX's carefully considered predictions for the show and surrounding hoopla.
Microsoft
1. I think we can expect a wet, passive-aggressive acknowledgement that the Xbone hasn't gone over very well. Microsoft will make vague, vaporous assurances that they are 'listening' to their consumers, and all the ignominies revealed so far are liquid and likely to change.
2. Microsoft will run a show centred around a roster of third-party titles exclusive to the Xbone system. Closer inspection will reveal these 'exclusivity' deals are actually a bit more like a series of expensive first-dibs. All titles to follow on other systems after 6-12 months, probably with all the DLC Xbone customers paid through the nose for.
3. A depressing and significant percentage of Microsoft Studios first party titles will be Kinect focused. Everybody openly wishes the irritating little camera system / PRISM grass would just fuck off plz.
4. A flustered exec says something in passing that reveals the depths of Microsoft's loathing for their consumer base following Xbone's rejection. NeoGaf assplodes - multiple bannings.
5. Rare are finally being allowed to make games again. Hooray! Unfortunately they're all just wanking for pennies versions of past glories with less actual content than your typical Xbox Live digital release.
6. Just so everybody in the East doesn't feel left out, a Japanese gentleman in suit is wheeled out to smile and wave at the audience. If he's from Square Enix, maybe he'll try and cue up that Final Fantasy target footage they've been boring us with for yonks?
7. Headsets! Hey you know that gaming headset you spent 300 monies on? Here's a new version because we've made absolutely sure the one you've already got for your 360 is not compatible. Not sorry!
Sony
1. Sony will be spinning hard on DRM concerns, likely coming up with a solution that places the onus on publishers. "Hey not our fault if publishers wanna be dicks guy!"
2. There will be thinly veiled digs at companies who are looking to get into the set-top box market. Maybe a younger executive will stand in front of a giga-screen flicking through acres of crappy scan-lined television before hammering the HDMI input button and arriving at a demo of the PS4 user interface?
3. A gang of chubby indie devs will be wheeled out to smile and wave. This will be slightly embarrassing.
4. A multi-tiered and confusing subscription model for online gaming and more will be revealed. It will seem that at a median level you might potentially be getting a good deal. Regardless, NeoGaf will assplode. Wario64 pleads for calm.
5. The Last of Us 4K Edition or whatever will be revealed for PlayStation 4. Sony sabotages the launch of their own game.
6. Hey! remember the Vita? Sony's unpopular handheld will pop up repeatedly, to the point were the shilling borders on begging. Everybody shifts around in their chair, deeply uncomfortable.
7. Sony will announce a free to play MMO for PlayStation 4. Absolutely nobody will care.
Nintendo
1. The poor sods demo a HD remaster of something no-one bought on the GameCube.
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