The Last Stand

Ten years out of the game, Arnold Schwarzenegger creaks back into the limelight with The Last Stand, an undercooked audition piece for South Korean director Kim Ji-woon. The Last Stand is your typical structurally incompetent action flick, devoting far too much time to a weak-piss federal investigation that has all the flair of a semen swab procedural. Forest Whitaker acts big in blue environments heaving with bland cubicle cops; dishing out exposition and pulling a series of incredulous faces as a cartel brat speeds towards Sheriff Schwarzenegger's hamlet in a ludicrous super-car.

The Last Stand fits into a weird Schwarzenegger sub-genre where the former Mr Universe is expected to walk and talk like he's a regular human being. Unfortunately, Schwarzenegger hasn't blossomed as an actor. Small talk with the village locals plays pained. Placing Schwarzenegger in an interchangeable people-person role feels like a fundamental misreading of what he is capable of. He's not a chatter, or a pal, he's a brooding monster with a one track mind. The Last Stand plays with this idea lightly. If you were being generous, you could take a step back and contextualise the broken readings and artificiality as a plastic personality Schwarzenegger has constructed over his deeper, meaner identity.

The Last Stand limps along until all the frayed little threads come together for the final act. A man down and preparing for invasion, Schwarzenegger tells his favourite deputy to expect total fucking mayhem. Kim Ji-woon doesn't disappoint. The Last Stand transforms into a cartoon that plays large off silly, incidental details. Kim brings his outsider eye to a small town shoot-out that touches on a few of the more alien aspects of the American persona. Ancient Southern Ladies ruthlessly protect their bric-a-brac crap, town fatsos refuse to have their eating agenda interrupted, and naturalised immigrants feel obliged to work twice as hard as everyone else. The cartel's road rocket also finds its way into a dense corn field for an anti-action finale that seems to be saying something about the potential for working class unity to upset the machinations of spoilt, drug pushing little shits.

Despite his arthritic shuffle, Schwarzenegger is still physically impressive. His shape has matured into a towering muscle breeze block, kin to Stallone's hideous appearance in Rambo. Stick Schwarzenegger in a perilous situation and ask him to say something glib and there are flashes of the 80s action icon. In future, It'd probably be best to put Arnold over like he's Hulk Hogan returning to the WWF. Keep him large, and make the young'uns sell like crazy.