The Expendables 2

I was quite fond of The Expendables. Sylvester Stallone's 80s action mega-mix neatly juggled a reductive police action plot, with some gonzo character moments. Each actor appeared to be playing an amped up version of themselves. Stallone was codgery but desperate to please. Statham, unlucky in love with brunettes. Li working overtime to support two families. Stone Cold Steve Austin quite happy to strike a woman. It was a film with a wrestle card mindset, turning up personality tics and tricks against a backdrop of Commie stomping and big government mistrust. All that and Sly seemed to have spent hours cruising YouTube for bite sized awesome to co-opt for the big screen. Expendables was engaged with the type of viewer who delights at record breaking pistol reloads, or seeing an American twenty-something, pretending to be Russian, chopping up the landscape with his latest combat shotgun. It was crass and shallow, but betrayed a slathering, uncompromised affection for also-ran 80s thugs and their modern equivalents.

The Expendables 2 takes a different tact, perhaps trying to recontextualise the sappy, barely reconstructed personas Sly and the gang struggled with during the early 1990s. Stallone's doomed relationship with a perky surrogate son pokes at the same mutant identity areas as the last film, but the execution is clumsy. The film plays like a TV movie, with a plot better suited to an A-Team 2000 pilot than an all-in genre stomp. Director Simon West lets the Planet Hollywood trifecta burn screen time cracking gentle jokes in static set-ups whilst Jason Statham is relegated to one tiny feature thump - a knife ninja remix of Clint Eastwood's entrance in Thunderbolt and Lightfoot.

The rest of the original cast get it worse. The wonderful Terry Crews is made to play shotgun bitch to Schwarzenegger. Jet Li bails out after the first mission. Lundgren is a mere background player, doomed to blow kisses at Stallone's future squeeze Yu Nan. The underdog charm of the first film is jettisoned in favour of (fading) A-list indifference. It's fun to see Schwarzenegger marching forwards firing a Call of Duty gun without blinking, but it's a fleeting joy. With his fright wig hair and advancing age, Schwarzenegger is starting to resemble an overstuffed, mumpy Christopher Lloyd. The only person really trying is Jean-Claude Van Damme. His character, Jean Vilain, seems to be the only role still operating on the first film's private-life-as-action-reality premise. His sinewy, euro-trash arrogance is perfectly suited to make adversary moves against Stallone's dull macho internalism. For all its faults Expendables 2 is one of the few films that really taps into Van Damme's dickish, sport shagger appeal. If we are to suffer an Expendables 3, Stallone would be well advised to seek assistance from some of the behind-the-scenes stars of 80s action cinema. I'm sure Steven E de Souza could knock up a suitably hyperbolic script for jailbird John McTiernan to direct.