Apprentice 5: Pig in the City

Another easy task on last night's Apprentice then. Doesn't ask much King Alan does he? The two teams only had to outdo a billion pound industry laser targeted at swindling chubby people out of their cash.

"Design an original piece of sports equipment! Do it now! Why haven't you done it yet?

WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT PIECE OF SHIT?"

Piece of piss.

Credit to one of teams, they actually vomited up a plausible bit of sub-gym tat. Debra's Ignite! team (exclamation mark my own, it doesn't look right without one) eventually settled on a Wii Fit board with a wonky sphere bum. Body Rocka! You sort of sat on it and didn't discriminate against minorities, yeah? Debra was a terrifying presence, a wearying control freak who'd prefer it if the other contestants just did exactly as they were told. No ideas or input please. I've got this one sown up. I hadn't noticed quite how enormous Debra was until last night. She's positively gigantic! She does wear needle-perch stiletto alikes, but even without them I'm sure she could pulverise any of the other contestants with mechanical beanpole ease.



That other team though. What the flippen heck was that box monstrosity? James' team came up with a fold-out mini-gym lunk. It looked like teenage despair rendered in sobbing fitness form. It was titanically inadequate, the kind of thing a handy psychotic Uncle might bang up for a child's birthday. "Look! It's just like your Daddy's gym set!" Everyone at the party would nod, phony thank-you grimaces plastered all over their faces. The second Uncle Nuts departs, it'd go straight in the loft to gather insect droppings.

Naturally, everyone on team bollocks thought it was a total fucken winner. 80s lizard-man Ben sprayed on a plastic vest-thingy and spent the entire episode thrusting himself about, like a giant calamitous erection. Pitching to potential clients, he couldn't keep his hands off himself, smacking his arse red raw. Maybe that's why he wears braces? So he can dip into his nether-regions with quick-draw ease? SMACK MY BUM!

Of course the shit-box lost it for James. Was it ever in doubt? James flapped and brought back Ben and Majid. It looked like curtains for James and his just-keep-talking stratagem, but! Turns out Margaret thinks he did okay thanks. Majid was too laid-back, didn't want it, blah blah. Majid went.



Bye Maj! Phillip will miss you. Kiss. Kiss.